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Post by andybrennan on Sept 24, 2012 22:00:51 GMT
A Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside.
He says in a weak voice, "There's something I must confess." "Shhh" said the wife, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's all right."
"No" the husband replied, "I must die in peace. I had S.E.X with your sister, your best friend, and your best friend's mum!"
"I know," she whispered, "that's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes."
That one I got from a good clean living Curragh lad, 159 steps/
Andy
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Post by andybrennan on Sept 24, 2012 22:04:26 GMT
And this one.
Husband: took the wife to a disco at the weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor giving it wellie, breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
Andy
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Post by livenowpraylater on Sept 24, 2012 22:20:59 GMT
i like it when the woodwork starts moving. good ones andy. Edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Sept 24, 2012 22:45:33 GMT
A man cleaning windows, when he was overheard saying "well f*$ck me pink" just as a policeman was passing by.
the window cleaner found himself in court for swearing in public.
the judge asked him to explain himself .
well he said i was cleaning the window when i seen this young lady come into the bedroom , she took all her clothes off.
go on go on tell me more said the judge, and that is no reason to use bad language in public.
well said the window cleaner she laid on the bed stark naked and spread her legs.
go on go on said the judge getting all worked up.
well said the window cleaner a man came into the room , looked at the girl , turned around and walked out.
well said the judge "f*$ck me pink
Edward.
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Post by andybrennan on Sept 25, 2012 11:48:13 GMT
Edward
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion they passed a rule; whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much
of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen.”
Gotta love those senior solid citizens. ,
One to be keeping you going
Andy
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Post by andybrennan on Sept 25, 2012 14:36:53 GMT
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter
the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S
ASS. This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop was not impressed.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for Euro10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS
ASS FOR Euro10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE..
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and
misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass,
worry about your own and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Andy
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Post by maurakearney on Sept 25, 2012 16:38:24 GMT
Hi Andy how are you and Trish. Love your Storys . Are you going to the meeting up the Curragh to night My Self and Carmel will be there we headed up last Tue night wrong night. Maura Ke
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Post by johnnykelly on Sept 25, 2012 19:04:50 GMT
Re: A little bit of Festive Mirth(CLEAN)Stuff During last week Sir Alex Ferguson was up in Liverpool to try and get both ManU and the POOl supporters to respect the Day of Rememberence for the Hillsborough disaster, when standing on the Anfield road Fergie noticed a young lad wearing an Everton shirt who was crying his eyes out and when asked why he was crying he told fergie that his Daddy had just beaten him, why asks fergie i dont know answered the young lad he always beats me,then fergie advises the kid to Join "Liverpool" why should I" shouts" the young lad, well for one says Fergie Liverpool Never BEAT anyone byeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Post by livenowpraylater on Sept 30, 2012 0:36:10 GMT
Peter G , my god it's a long time gone by since i heard Mrs Lawlers getting a mention. obviously as this is the mirth channel this is a story i was told when i didn't know truth from fiction. there was a man from athy who had a suit made in Fan Doren's,. picked up the suit an off home with him delighted an all smiles.
off he went on saturday night to the dance in dreamland in athy,. on the monday he brought the suit back,. the girl assistant said can i help you sir, no the man said, can i speak with the bossman,. afraid not she said , he is gone to london to buy cloth and wont be back until next week. are you sure i cant help, i have been working here this past 23 years an I've heard all the problems ,. well says he , do you know Mrs Lawlers in Naas,. aye she said i do, he says it has a ball room in it, yes said she it has, well he said this trousers hasn't any,.
Edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 31, 2012 20:53:40 GMT
Couldn't let 2012 go by without a little bit of mirth.
It was the children's first day at school. Teachers had all the children gathered round, teacher said to a boy. and what is your name, Pat said the boy all proud, Pat what , Pat Murphy he replied, were you given the name Pat when you were born, no sir, and what was the name given to you, Patrick sir, that's correct you were given the name Patrick, dont you forget it it's not Pat but Pat-Trick Pat-trick Pat-trick and dont you forget it go on off you go.
The next bot steps up, what's your name then, this little boy had been listening to what had been said to the boy that went before him, teacher said cat got your tongue, what's your name, quick as a flash he replied Mick trick sir..
Edward.
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Post by andybrennan on Dec 31, 2012 21:41:30 GMT
Edward good to see you in such fine fettle.
Andy
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 18, 2013 23:10:35 GMT
The 6th grade teacher asked her class "which body part increases to 10 times it's size when stimulated?" No one answers for a long time till little mary stood up, angry and she said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders questions like that. She was going to tell her parents, who would tell phe principal who would fire he teacher! the teacher ignored her and asked the question again. "which body part increases to 10 times it's size when stimulated?". Finally james stood up and said that the body part that increses to 10 times it's size when etimulated is the pupil of the eye. The teacher said "very good james". Then she turned to mary and said, as for you young lady, i have only three things to say. 1) you have a dirty mind. 2)you dont read your homework. and 3 ) one day you will be very disappointed.
Edward.
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Post by afcmoore on Jan 18, 2013 23:54:07 GMT
Hi Edward. Well done ti's the way ya tell em . ;D ;D First one for 2013. By the way i hear the mouse from Gorey got a letter from the Queen. I thought he was of Irish birth right ,Ah sur maybe he was just a blown in. Cheers ;D Ant.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 19, 2013 0:41:15 GMT
The reverend mother gathered all the nuns together and said we have a case of clamidia in the convent. an old nun hard of hearing standing at the back shouts "i hope it's better than that case of chardonnay we had last week.
Edward
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 26, 2013 15:27:53 GMT
A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy., "I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients" "Yes, sir!" answers Paddy. The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?" Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol." "Bravo Mate and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin". "Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor "Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading herself out and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven'tseen a man!'" "Good God "says the doctor."What did you do?" "I put drops in her eyes!"
Edward
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