Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 23, 2016 19:01:08 GMT
The Deaf Wife Problem
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)??
'For goodness sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 5, 2017 10:07:30 GMT
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 5, 2017 10:11:58 GMT
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 5, 2017 10:32:06 GMT
Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"
Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 5, 2017 11:33:37 GMT
locating Jesus _____________
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk. when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins flaling his arms and kicking legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 5, 2017 11:48:55 GMT
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is moleasses.
Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 5, 2017 12:01:26 GMT
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won that race too. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another races.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN!! The Bishop fainted …. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey as soon as possible. So she sold it to a local farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey, and take it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is .. . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 5, 2017 12:16:50 GMT
KC leaves home and heads for london an headed straight for the nearest bar. There was two ladies sitting at the bar having a drink an chatting away. KC orders a drink and tells the barman to give the girls whatever they are drinking, the girls raise thier glasses an carry on chatting. KC orders anothere drink for himself an sends one for the girls. with this th brunett comes up to KC an says thanks for the drinks it's very nice of you but if your trying to chat us up you have no chance, you see that blond friend i'm with , well we are lesbian's, what's that says KC, (he came from a sheltered home, i dond think it was the shelter from the hills an three's. got a felling it was his upbringing) the brunett says , me an the blond girl will go home an on the way we will get a carry out an have a meal at home, later on we will have a shower together an we will soap each other all over , an kiss an caress an then we will get between the black silk sheets an make love all night long. with that KC started sobbing an blobbering in his beer, my my said the brunett what did i say to upset you, KC says " i think i'm a lesbian".
Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 24, 2017 20:08:02 GMT
Tommy goes into Grandad's den an sits on his knee.
Grandad says tommy Grandma said you were in the war, were you yes tommy i was.
Grandad did you bring back any souveniers from the war.
yes tommy i did says granddad
Grandad says tommy can i see them dont see why not,
he opens the top drawer an takes a box an opens it, pulls out a rag roll, an takes out a baynet, A German soldier tried to kill me with it, I seen him comming we were both out of amo well i'm still here
Grandad you were very lucky, have you got any more grandad he takes out another box an takes out an oily rag an takes out a Luger pistol "wow" granddad,
grandad says I took this off a german tank comander, he was having a wee in the bushes i crepet up behind him an killed him with my baynet an i took his relvolver , granddad said tommy have you got any bullets for it, yes tommy they are under the tank in the loft, " woww grandad you got his Tank as well .