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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 24, 2012 12:46:50 GMT
Hi all,,. nice reading about Kilkenny, last time i heard kilkenny mentioned was when 2 workers from a UK company went to Dublin head office to do some work , late that saturday evening they got run out of screws and timber, the went out onto the street and asked a local woman if there was a B&Q (diy store) in Dublin, no she said looking puzzeled, but there is 2 Ks in Kilkenny edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 26, 2012 8:44:21 GMT
new official language , learn it well Anne Mc. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl . edward
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Post by johnd on Jul 26, 2012 12:03:14 GMT
By way of a general enquiry to all visitors to the forum - as the horse said to the one-legged jockey "How are you getting on?" Well we hope. Regards, johnd
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Post by annemcnamara on Jul 26, 2012 19:35:33 GMT
Hi Edward, I went a step further and had my daughter read it aloud in her best German accent. We had good giggle on my birthday. Zank you, Anne.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Aug 23, 2012 11:43:23 GMT
Murphy's Engineering Laws • The circuit designed to protect the unit from catastrophic failure won't. • The circuit designed to be highly reliable isn't. • Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. • If x is the amount of time you wait to touch a hot vacuum tube, the time for the tube to be cool enough to touch is greater than x. • An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. • A complex system that works has invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. • Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. • Any component removed, tested, and found good has a extraordinarily high chance of breaking in the re-installation process. • Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. • Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. • Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. • Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of schedule. • Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. For example, the velocity will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. • Any wire cut to length will be too short. • Tolerances will be accumulated unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty to assemble. • A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. • A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. • Only after completely disassembling the unit will you realize the reason it wasn't working was because it wasn't plugged in. • Any error in calculation will be in the direction of most harm. • In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's Law. • If a safety factor is set through service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed the safety factor. • Given any problems containing 'n' equations, there will always be 'n+1' unknowns. • Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. • If the number of screws which must be removed when disassembling a given piece of electronic device is represented by x, the the number of screws used when reassembling it will be some number less than x. • Source: This came from an e-mail a friend forwarded to me...
i bet there will be somone reading this eill say "that's about right"
Edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Aug 23, 2012 12:00:05 GMT
what did the gas meter say to the shilling.
I was just going out when you came in bob.
Edward.
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Post by geneb on Aug 23, 2012 17:12:24 GMT
you're in fine fettle,ed,whatcha drinkin,i'll have the same.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Aug 23, 2012 17:53:02 GMT
Doctor rang the plumber at 2:30 am, he tells the plumber his toilet is blocked up can he come out to it straight away, the plumber tells the doctor to throw an asprin down it and he will be out to see it in the morning. Edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Aug 23, 2012 17:57:58 GMT
The wife poor soul, has got a speech impediment, she has to stop talking to draw breath.
Edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Aug 23, 2012 20:23:23 GMT
Ant, What can i say, had the inquest and autopsy reports on the Gorey Mouse . the conclusion was that the tractor ran over his left rear leg, that in itself wasn't his down fall, it was pure bad luck that he was scratching his left ear at the time with it. he-he-he.
Edward.
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Post by geneb on Aug 24, 2012 12:33:18 GMT
David Hasslehoff told the producer of his talent show that he wanted to be known as "the Hoff". " O.K. Hoff" said the producer, No Hassle"
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Post by hahaha on Aug 25, 2012 19:22:44 GMT
when a man says he'll fix the bloomin thing, he'll fix the bloomin thing! he does'nt have to be reminded every six months!
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Post by livenowpraylater on Sept 23, 2012 16:45:09 GMT
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give more than 100%?
Ever wondered about thoes people who say they are giving more than 100%?.
How about achieving 103%.
What makes up 100%? in life.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes lick this.
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions,...IF.
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X W Z , is represented as.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then. h-a-r-d-w-o-r-k. 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=93%.
And. K-n-o-w-l-e-d-g-e. 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%.
But. A-t-t-i-t-u-d-e. 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100%.
And. b-u-l-l/s-h-i-t. 2+ 21+12+12+19+8+9+20+ = 103%.
And look at how far ass kissing will take you.
A-s-s-k-i-s-s-i-n-g . 1+19+19+11+9+19+9+14+7 = 118%.
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, bulls.h.i.t and ass-licking will put you over the top.
Edwaed.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Sept 24, 2012 14:42:30 GMT
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,. Royl Doulton will be releasing a "Collector's Edition" of two small jugs.
Edward
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Post by andybrennan on Sept 24, 2012 21:58:08 GMT
Hi Edward, Not sure about the jugs, I heard it was a side plate to hold her pancakes.
Andy
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