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Post by andybrennan on Dec 1, 2010 23:06:24 GMT
The First Christmas Joke - and it's Scottish..........
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!”and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says
Thats it
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
Andy
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Post by carmelkearney on Dec 4, 2010 22:00:04 GMT
love it Andy
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Post by andybrennan on Dec 4, 2010 23:04:27 GMT
Carmel here is another,
4 best friends spend weeks planning their perfect camping trip.
Two days before they are due to go, Johnny’s wife puts her foot down, And tells Johnny he is not going. Johnny’s pals are very disappointed but decide to go without him. Two days later the 3 friends arrive at the camp site to find Johnny sitting with the tent set up and the BBQ going. One of his pals says “ Johnny how did you persuade your wife to let you come,” Johnny says “well yesterday evening I was sitting watching the telly, and she came to me dressed in a see through nightie, she led me upstairs, where she handcuffed herself to the bed. Then she said to me “do what ever you want”,
“so here I am”.
Andy
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Post by teresap on Dec 5, 2010 19:28:05 GMT
very good Andy got a good laugh.
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Post by maurakearney on Dec 5, 2010 22:44:52 GMT
Hi Andy you just cheered us all up any more. Maura Kearney.
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Post by andybrennan on Dec 5, 2010 23:00:43 GMT
Hi,
Try this one,
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the WORLD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'
She said, 'I'm going home, too. you hardly expect me to work in the dark.
Andy
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Post by maurakearney on Dec 5, 2010 23:04:13 GMT
Hi Andy your brain is working overtime im nearly ready for Bed. Maura Kearney.
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Post by johnnykelly on Dec 5, 2010 23:23:34 GMT
Re:A LITTLE BIT OFF FESTIVE MIRTH(CLEAN STUFF) Nag nag (wife to husband) you never take me out nag nag, so the pi;;;;ed off hubby declares a truce hey babe put on your new over coat! why says the wife are where are we going,NOWHERE BABE I AM TURNING OFF THE HEATING,
AS YOU KNOW ,half the household supportsthe pool and the rest Man U wife bring me to see liverpool for me birthday, jesus says i its not safe there babe, please please me bring me to see liverpool, fehk says i right ok leave it to me so thursday night i ring into work sick send in a cert for 4 days, books the flights to liverpool, arrive fri morning shopping all dayfriday and saturday sunday off to early mass and then off to the match we get there just as the taems are coming out for kick off and her indoors goes ballistic come on ye reds up the reds and continues this all during the match which the reds won 2-1 and as we celebrated all night long and as we boarded the flight home the next morning she buys the liverpool echo and turns to the sports page and scream out loud f;;chk bas;;;;;tds what match were we at yesterday who were that team in red, but babe says i you only asked to see liverpool how was i to know it was the football team you wanted to see, everton were playing MAN U HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, Johnny
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Post by charlie004 on Dec 6, 2010 11:31:03 GMT
Andy,I hope thats not the same 4 men out bird watching.He He. Charlie
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Post by andybrennan on Dec 6, 2010 21:37:23 GMT
Hi Charlie,
Can't tell the one on the bird watchers , as itwould not qualify as clean, so have this one back.
For Budget Day Tomorrow.
A driver is stuck in a major traffic jam Dublin on the M50 motorway round Dublin.
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a Garda knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
“Pensioners down the road have kidnapped Brian Cowen, Brian Lenihan, Mary Harney and some senior bankers. They're asking for a €30 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?"
"About a litre."
Andy
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Post by andybrennan on Dec 23, 2011 23:13:12 GMT
Arra a bit of fun in this ho ho time,
Remember next time you book with Ruanair.
Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be 3 euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please" Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".
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Post by andybrennan on Dec 23, 2011 23:18:54 GMT
Another,
Where did the saying “pi.. poor” come from ?
Us older people need to learn something new every day...
Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
Where did "Pi.. Poor" come from? Interesting History.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.
And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...
if you had to do this to survive you were "P..s Poor". But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
They "didn't have a pot to pi.. in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell, Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it..
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
Could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.
(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests
And would all sit around and chew the fat.
Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status..
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom; “of holding a wake”.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell” or was "considered a dead ringer”.
And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone! ~~~
Share these facts with a friend. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'
We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be new friends.
Smile, it gives your face something to do!
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Post by jjcurran on Dec 24, 2011 0:22:02 GMT
Hi all, Andy , here’s two more unusual phrases to add to your repertoire. Long ago, urine was used to soften felt for hat making. Apparently one ‘gentleman’ contacted gonorrhoea and was treated with mercury which was the only treatment available at the time. (I have no details as to how he contacted this ‘social disease’). As he was a ‘hatter’ he used his urine to soften the felt and discovered that the mercury had a beneficial effect on the felt. Thereafter mercury was added to the urine in all hat factories such that the workers were exposed to the effects of mercury poisoning which often led to dementia. Hence the phrase “Mad as a hatter”.
I was in a hospital in Chicago some years ago (as a visitor TG). A nurse asked me how long I was staying in the US. I replied “for a fortnight”. She said “what’s that”. I replied “two weeks”. She said “I never heard of that word before”. I was surprised, so I did some research to find the origin of the term ‘fortnight’. Apparently when the Roman Emperor Hadrian build his famous wall in Brittan, he included forts at intervals on the wall to guard against intruders. If a soldier ‘picked the short straws’ he would have to go into the forts at night for two weeks on guard duty. Hence he would inform the wife, “I will not be home for the next two weeks as I have to do a fortnight duty. So the word ‘fortnight’ came to mean two weeks. I doubt if there was any sub for guard duty in those days as PDFORA had not been formed. Regards JJ
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Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 24, 2011 1:21:06 GMT
Do you remember when it was £-S-d , everything was 9/11d 19/11d , £4 19/11, every thing ended in 11d , that was for security reasons to stop theft. The person on the till would have to open it to give you your change, so the till would have to register a sale, if it was even money they used to slip it into thier pocket, it carries on to this day , even most use credit cards, business make soo much money out of the scam they dont want to drop it. Edward.
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Post by andybrennan on Dec 24, 2011 8:03:13 GMT
J.J
The chap in question was in a bordello when some one suggested they should have another round of the clap
Andy
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