Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 1, 2012 0:16:22 GMT
a soldier goes awol. he is picked up by the pa's, put on a charge and wheeled in front of his co, the co looks at his charge sheet, looks up at the soldier, looks at charge sheet again, i see he says , looks at the soldier again, eem "absentee" he says, dont mind sir said the soldier if the kettle is boiling. edward.
Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 1, 2012 0:49:18 GMT
here it is as promised. ============================================== there was an arab oil barron very wealthy, had 3 sons.
on the eldest sons birthday his dad said to him, "well son congratulayions on reaching your 21st birthday, you are officaly off on your own from now on , from today i am no longer responseable for you , you are a man, what would you like for a birthday present" son said dont want anything dad you and mom have given me everything i ever wanted, "surley said dad there is something you have always hankered after", well said the son ,i would like my own aeroplane, dad bought hi a 747 all kitted out , tennis court , swimming pool , harem , the lot.
then a year or so later the 2nd son is 21, same thing got everythingan so on , when asked what he would like he said he always fancied his oun boat, dad bought him him the QE2, kitted it all out , gym, big swimming pool diving board racing circuit , harem, and all the trimmings.
then 2 years later it was the 3rd fellows birthday , now this lad was 2 eggs , bacon an black pudin short of a breakfast, same thing your a big man now all grown up so on. asked what he would like as a present, quick as a flash, he says a cowboy outfit.
Hi all is any one alive on the curragh forum except me and Mary Farrel we are very good girls not a drop touched our lips.i know what you're thinking(Boring) any way I'm not telling anybody my new year's resolution because when i do i never keep it hope the head's not to sore all the best kathyo
Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 2, 2012 11:15:09 GMT
dont know if it's true but here goes. ============================================== a rabbit and a hedge hog meet on the side of the road, they got talking, the hedge hog says to the rabbit , how come i dont see many of you rabbits splattered over the road as us hedge hog's. Well said the rabbit take a look at yourself, big fat bodies, short stumpy legs, and you cant run for toffee, it's no wonder you get splattered all over the road.
But any way what we do said the rabbit, when were on the road and a car appears all of a sudden, we put a paw over one eye, and if we see two headlghts we stay where we are, an the car goes straight over us.
That night the hedge hog give this a try, car came round the bend the hedge hog put s paw over one eye, sees two headlights, and SPLAT poor ould hege hog is all over the road, well the rabbit cane by justin time to see it happen, the rabbit shook his head, thats hard luck, it's the first three wheeler to come along here in almost year. edward.
Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 3, 2012 14:33:20 GMT
Know what you mean about the weather Kayhy. Look what happened to this poor fellow. ============================================== .. Bad weather stops play. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This fellow went to see this girl , she was very good with her favours.
He was having a rest on her bed an he said "can you open the door an banging it with your foot,.
I like to hear the sound of thunder,it turns me on". ok she said , so she starts opening the door an banging it shut with her foot,.
he said "i have a wee torch in my wee case, could you switch it on an off, it will look like lightning, the thundre an lighting turns me on".
She bangs the door, turns the light on an off.
he says "i have a we bellows in my case , will you blow some air on me. i love the wind an the thunder an lightning, it turns me on".
She bangs the door, switches the light on an off, pump the belows,.
He says "if you dont mind , i have a wee watering can in my case , do me a favour an fill it with water an spray it over me, i like the thunder, an lightning,the wind an the rain, it turns me on".
She is now getting fed up with this, bangs the door, swithes the light on an off, pumps the bellows, spray the water. she says to hell with this, how about getting on with what you came here for.
Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 11, 2012 0:18:39 GMT
Hi ya Dan. Do hope you get well soon and fighting fit, reading about you in the tower , you are not going to belive it but i was in the tower for near on three years and never went to the top. we werent allowed, it was out of bounds there was a danger aspect. it's always hard to know if what you think is funny, is equal as funny to others, an i now weigh up whether i should post a funny one , is it going to be offenceve to others , an what if they dont see the houmer side, theres bound to be someone thats offended, especaly if it touches a raw nerve, might have been my fault or spellchecker that Jokes and Homour got pulled ?. no one has said yet it was my fault an no moderator has has mentioned it, so i am going to Genral Comments and explain what happened. anyway dan , this is for your eyes only.
Little frankie got the hump an decided to leave home , hr packed a bag with guddies for his journey, off he went without telling his mom, when she found him missing she phoned the local police ,gave them a discription hight , clothes , an anything else revelent, a policeman paid her a visit an she gave him a photo of the lad, well he said i have ridden my bike from town and havnt seen him an there only one road ,perphaps i should carry on this road, two mile on he catches upto the boy, gets off his bike an askes the boy if he can walk along with him up the hill, a short while later the poiceman says can we sit on the wall as he is tired , he asked the boy what he had in the bag , food , can i have a sandwich, ya the boy said, how far are you going , goin to london the boy said, plod said london is a big place, full of very tall buildings , thousands of people, what are you going to london for, the boy said , im going to get a lady of the night, oh yea an what are you going to do with a lady of the knight, im going to giver her one, i'll get an infection , i'll give it to the maid, she will give it to my dad, my dad will give it to my mum, she will give it to the gardener, and that's the bas**d i want because he killed my pet frog. edward.
Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 18, 2012 2:10:59 GMT
American tourist in egypt wanted to know the time, he asked the camel minder , the camel minder lifted up the camel's nuts an said it's 10 past 3, the yank though he was having him on an asked someone else with a watch , sure enough it was10 past 3, the yank told his group of friends what had happened, another of his group was mystifyed an went back an asked the camel minder did he have the time, the camel minder done the same thing again, lifted up the camel's nuts an moved them to one side an said 20 past 3, bloddy marvil said the american, how can you tell the time just by rasing the camel's nuts, well said the camel minder , if you come down here an lift up the camel's nuts an move them to one side , you can see the town hall clock. edward
Hi Andy. Good un te he it's the way ya tell em. Cogging that's a new one to me from your school days perhaps ? Cheers. Ant. By the way the team from the concrete cow town exited Fa Cup last night la la.
Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 18, 2012 12:48:19 GMT
The bear an the rabbit met in the woods , the bear said who are you ,im a rabbit , an im a bear, mr rabbit thats a nice coat you have , yes keeps me nice an warm that's a very course fur YOU got, yes it is that fur you got tell me i supose it gets all messy when you go to the toilet dont it stick to it, na said the rabbit, so the bear picks him up an wipes his bum with him. edward.
Hi all, Here are some more teasers for you. Ceist a haon If a bottle and a cork together costs 90c, and the bottle costs 80c more than the cork, how much did the cork cost?
If your answer is 10c, then you are normal. You are also wrong. The cork cost 5c. The bottle cost 85c which is 80c more than the cost of the cork. If you got it right , then you either heard of it before or you are what is termed ‘officer material’ Tuigin tu?
Ceist a do. A Yacht is moored such that a ladder on the side of the boat dips into the water showing six rungs above the water line. The rungs are all 300mm apart. When the tide comes in the water lever increases by 600 mm. How many rungs of the ladder would now be visible above the water line?
If your answer is four then you are not concentrating enough or perhaps like me, you never owned a yacht. The correct answer is still six as the boat would also rise up with the tide. Ceist a tri A diver jumps off a bridge into the water. Where was he when he jumped?
If you said he was on the bridge, then that was before he jumped. If you said he was in the air, then that was after he jumped. Ceist a ceathair A man points to a person in a photo and said, “brothers and sisters, I have none but that man’s father is my father’s son. Who is he pointing to?
He is pointing to his own son.
Ceist a cuig Two men enter a pub and the first man orders two pints which cost €5.00 each. (Posh pub). He tenders a €50 note and receives €40 change. The pints went down well so the second man orders two more pints. He then said to the barman, “I want to pay for the first two pints as well, so give my friend back his €50 and take for the four pints from my €50. The barman gives him €30 change and returns the €50 to the first man. Can you detect anything odd about the foregoing events?
Remember the barman returned the €50 but earlier had also given him €40 change. So he is up €40 at the barman’s expense. If you got this one right then you would not be a suitable candidate for the position of Head of the Dept of Finance.
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is plugged or blocked UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . .. . My time is UP!
Oh . . . One more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
Now I'll shut UP!
Keep safe, keep well and keep your sense of humour. remember our wants are many, but our needs are few.