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Post by carmelkearney on Feb 9, 2014 18:15:11 GMT
AH that took a little minute, must be because i was out last night, but its good
Carmel Kearney
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 10, 2014 10:50:17 GMT
House move
Some have asked if I intend to move house? Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system.
It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it green with pink trim.
The City Council told me; "Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!" So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a 'Mosque'.
Work starts on Monday !
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 10, 2014 11:18:22 GMT
Directive No. 45617
In order to bring about further integration with the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 . From this date onwards, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'. Thank you for your attention.
Ned
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 10, 2014 11:23:57 GMT
Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal
A husband walks into Victoria Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Ned.
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Post by Sean Tracey on Feb 10, 2014 14:08:51 GMT
Hi Ned . Nice one. Its a cracker. Cheers Sean Tracey
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Post by johnny1951 on Feb 17, 2014 22:45:33 GMT
Hers a good one for you Ned. on friday evening last 14th Valintines night i duly informed her indoors that i had booked a table for 2 at 9pm so low and behols she dresses up in her finest and is early down the stairs eyes bright with excitement and joy, so off we head in the car and on reaching our local approx 500 yards from the house we head indoors to the pub and as i ordered 2 drinks the wife gets narky and says hurry up or we will be late for dinner as it is nearly 9pm and i dont want to be late. dinner says i what dinner i have booked the pool table for nine for the 2 of us to have a game of pool. (face still red after the slap)
a friend in work all last week was listening keenly to the local obituries on the radio, especially on thurs 13th when he let out a whoop of glee good there is a funeral in the local cemetary this morning and on the way home i am going to visit the cemetary and borrow some fresh flowers and bring them home to her indoors for valintines day, he arrived into work the next morning with a big black eye and on asking what happened he told us that he forgot to take off the card(RIP)from the wreath.Ouch!!
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 18, 2014 21:45:31 GMT
Johnny 1951. How about this one.
FIFTY SHADES OF CHOCOLATE Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street . He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said, with a Wispa. 'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her. Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple. He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. Soon they were Heart Throbs. It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight. But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch. Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.
Ned.
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Post by carmelkearney on Feb 18, 2014 23:58:30 GMT
Fifty shades of chocolate...............i love it, never heard it before
Carmel Kearney
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 19, 2014 11:19:18 GMT
Subject: Roll call on first day back at school --- At school in Newbridge. The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils: "Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" - "Here" "Achmed El Kabul?" - "Here" "Fatima Al Hayek? " - "Here" "Ali Abdul Olmi?" - "Here" "Mohammed Bin Kadir?" - "Here" "Ali Son al En", silence in the classroom. "Ali Son al En…" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room. The teacher repeated the call.
A girl stood up and said, "Sorry, teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen." OOPS! !!.
Ned.
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Post by johnny1951 on Feb 20, 2014 21:52:02 GMT
keep them coming Ned ps dont do what a soldier on patrol in the Lebannon did one night when you build your house (mosque) place a rock and roll tape in the sound system when calling in the kids to prayer, oops complete accident. Johnny
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Post by andybrennan on Feb 20, 2014 23:35:04 GMT
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Kate and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who owns this phone?............."
Andy
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Post by andybrennan on Feb 20, 2014 23:37:17 GMT
Retiree's Message As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a ........... It's the tortoise life for me! And here is why. 1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. 4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me. Now that I'm older and wiser, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran. 3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're on the tiolet. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess? 16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .. .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 20.DID I SEND THESE TO YOU BEFORE.......... Andy
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Post by andybrennan on Feb 20, 2014 23:41:05 GMT
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.
Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff. The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice
anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out. The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question ‘Do you notice anything different about me?'
He replied sheepishly, ‘Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed
to know more than the two officers combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.' The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'It's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!.’
Andy
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 21, 2014 1:22:08 GMT
Yes Johenny,,, I like to tell an odd joke, problem is as i said before they are sometimes not PC, I dont know how many young kids read this forum, nationality is another stumbling block, .
one that springs to mind ,,. Why is semen white and pee yellow,,so a fellow can tell if he's commin or goin "boom boom".
Then there was the fellow that bought "Tht Paper Shop" it blew away.
There was the fellow that thought an itchy fanny was a jap motorbike.
The man that tought JONNY CASH was money from a durex machine.
Not to mention the man thought A Royal Enfield was where the Queen kept her chickens.
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 21, 2014 1:41:54 GMT
I know why you sent them to me Andy, an it worked,
Ned.
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