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Post by andybrennan on Aug 10, 2013 21:53:59 GMT
Hi Ned, You must have got the scrubbing brush to that one.
Andy
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Post by livenowpraylater on Aug 10, 2013 22:56:15 GMT
Three babies having a chat outside the supermarket, first baby says to he second one "where is your mother" second baby says "she is in the shop getting me some food called cow & gate". " it's horrible stuff, they wedge your arms by your side, you have no choice only take it, gives you wind like you wouldn't believe, your pooh stinks awful, but you cant move an day after day it's the same even though you throw it back up, is your mother getting you some cow & gate too". "no" said the second chap, "i'm not on that stuff, i'm on stuff called s.m.a, you think what your on is bad, you wanna try that stuff , one day your pooh is yellow next day it's green next day it's white and it oozes out of your dyper it's gets all around your nackers your belly button is full of it,. and as you said the stink and the wind is merciful, and they have your arms tied up so you cant move them" . the first lad says to the third lad. "is your mother getting you some of that stuff too". "no" he said, "i'm not on any of that stuff i'm breast fed". "listen to him jammy lucky git" . the second lad said "yea, some baby's dont know how lucky they are". "dont know about lucky" , said the third lad, "I have to share it with some ould fart that smokes holburn. Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 6, 2013 21:28:35 GMT
Have fun ---------
Ned.
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Post by andybrennan on Dec 16, 2013 23:55:39 GMT
On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.
As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot & killed her also.
Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.
Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,
"My wife got a pretty good look at you !!!!."
Andy
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Post by johnd on Dec 17, 2013 13:25:27 GMT
A little mental exercise over Christmas to take the mind off ham, turkey and all the other goodies. Best of luck with them, I failed miserably with a good number. The URL of the source is located at the end of this post. Name That Christmas Carol/Song Clues: 1. Bleached Yule 2. Castaneous-coloured Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration 3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors 4. Righteous Darkness 5. Arrival Time 2400 hrs - Weather Cloudless 6. Loyal Followers Advance 7. Far Off in a Feeder 8. Array the Corridor 9. Bantam Male Percussionist 10. Monarchial Triad 11. Nocturnal Noiselessness 12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers 13. Red Man En Route to Borough 14. Frozen Precipitation Commence 15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle 16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Proboscis 17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant 18. Delight for this Planet 19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings 20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals Answers: 1. White Christmas 2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire 3. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth 4. O Holy Night 5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear 6. O Come, All Ye Faithful 7. Away in a Manger 8. Deck the Hall 9. Little Drummer Boy 10. We Three Kings 11. Silent Night 12. God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen 13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town 14. Let it Snow 15. Go, Tell It on the Mountain 16. Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer 17. What Child is This? 18. Joy to the World 19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing 20. The Twelve Days of Christmas Regards, johnd source: www.jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/christmasjokes/christmascarolsjokes.html
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Post by jjcurran on Dec 17, 2013 14:39:41 GMT
This morning, driving on the dual-carriageway , I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new VW doing 120 Kmh with her face pressed up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily..but she scared me so much ........................ I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand and, in all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee cup between my legs, which splashed, and burned "Tiny Tim and the Twins". This ruined the meat pie, the phone, the coffee, soaked my trousers, disconnected an important call and caused me to miss the obvious speed trap up ahead.
BLOODY women drivers! apologies to all women drivers. JJ
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Post by andybrennan on Dec 17, 2013 23:26:57 GMT
Helpful mother in law ...........
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home from my fishing trip today. I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation ............ She didn't get your e-mail!"
Andy
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Post by kelly on Dec 18, 2013 9:58:05 GMT
A Christmas poem??
Twas Christmas day in the Harem the Eunuchs stood in rows watching the pretty dancing girls divest themselvs of clothes, up spoke the bearded Sultan,in a voice that shook the walls, what do you want for Christmas?? The Eunuchs answered B**ls
With apolgy to the "Moderator"
Wishing everbody on the Forum a Happy Christmas and a healthy New Year!
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Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 27, 2013 23:33:00 GMT
JJ, did you see this one.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yeste rday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it was those bastards at the Post Office.
Edna
Ned.
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Post by jjcurran on Dec 28, 2013 0:57:46 GMT
Hi all, Go raibh mile with regard to the birthday wishes. Ned, This is a long one but I like it.
There was a bachelor who lived alone with his pet cat called Tibbs. He loved this cat to bits and lavished all kinds of expensive gifts and facilities upon the cat and entered him in the local pet show with proud success every year.. However he wasn’t feeling the best himself one day so he went to see his doctor. The doctor told him he was suffering from stress and advised him to take a holiday. “I can’t do that”. He told the doctor, “ sure who would look after Tibbs?” he replied. “Haven’t you a brother living with your granny? Can’t you get him to look after the cat” replied the doctor. So it was that the cat was entrusted to the tender care of the brother with strict instructions with regard to gourmet food and special shampoo etc. With great reluctance the cat lover used his free travel pass to go on holiday to the exotic resort of Bundoran. However he was not happy as he worried that the brother would not give the proper care to Tibbs. He decided to ring up the brother to enquire whether he was feeding the cat his vitamins and portion s of fresh fish. (No kitty cat for him).To his shock the brother informed him that the cat had died. “My God I knew something like this would happen, this is terrible news. I’m suffering from shock, and I must say you are very callous the way you broke the news to me”. “Sure what could I say, if he is dead he is dead” replied the brother. “You could have said, he climbed up on the roof and fell and hit his head and that you sent for the vet but he could not save him”.
“Why would I say all that?” said the brother.
“Well that would have prepared me for what was to come” said the cat lover. After a short pause the cat lover decided it would be proper to enquire about the health of the granny. “How is granny”? The brother replied, “she climbed up on the roof”.
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Post by andybrennan on Dec 28, 2013 9:01:23 GMT
J.J.
belated birthday wishes to you.
Anddy
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 17, 2014 0:19:00 GMT
A fella meets a girl at a dance, as they are dancing he thought he might as well introduce himself. Now that is easier said than done, because he had a bit of a stammer.
"my name is pe pe pe pettt petter b b b bubu but IIII I am am am am no no no not a a a sssssa saaaint.
Now as sure as night follows day, poor mary also had the affiction, and she says,
M m m m my n n n na na name is is is is is m m mma ma ma maar mar mar mmary an an na an III am am am am am nno no no not a a a v v v ve vir vire ver ver ver very good dancer.
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 17, 2014 0:40:42 GMT
A young man walked into a jeweler shop one Friday with a stunning lady at his side. "I am looking for a special ring for my girlfriend." He said. The jeweler looked through his stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at £4,000 "You do not understand, I want something very unique," the young man said. At that, the jeweller fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here is one stunning ring I had kept for a special woman. Since you want something special for the stunning lady I will sell it to you for £50,000."
The woman's eyes lit up and started to sparkle. Seeing this, the young man said he would take it.
"How are you paying sir? I will pay by check. But of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so, I will write the check now and you can phone the bank tomorrow. Then I will pick up the ring on Monday. Is that okay with you?" the man asked. The jeweler agreed. Monday morning a frustrated jeweler phoned the young man. "You fraud. You lied. There is no money in that account!" "I know, but can you imagine what a great weekend I had?"
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 17, 2014 0:57:30 GMT
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he has just been arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour:
"No! Do you know that this is a British car and that my wife is the driver...
on the other side?!"
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 9, 2014 17:55:52 GMT
What is the difference between a sowing machine and a woman runing
Ned.
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