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Post by livenowpraylater on Jun 16, 2014 22:08:57 GMT
Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.
The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins".
"That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets.".
The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!".
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jun 16, 2014 22:24:12 GMT
A preacher was standing at the pulpit giving his Sunday sermon when a note was passed to him.
The only word written on the sheet was IDIOT.
Looking up at the congregation, the preacher smiled and said: I have heard of men who write letters and forget to sign their names but this is the first time I will see a man sign his name and forget to write the letters.
Ned
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jun 16, 2014 22:42:46 GMT
As told by Tommy Cooper __________________________
''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a nutszu.''
''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'',.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jun 16, 2014 22:55:55 GMT
I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!
Ned.
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Post by afcmoore on Jun 18, 2014 6:22:50 GMT
Hi Ned. Can't take any more the sides are splitting. Keep em coming gets rid of my grumps. Ant.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 12, 2014 12:43:15 GMT
Andy you mentioning "bollo" reminded me of a joke I heard about 50 odd years ago.
Murphy goes into the shop to get something nice for his tea after his dinner, he sees a cake called a gateaux, he says to the assistant "i will have that gateaux cake please" she says "It's not a gateaux cake, it's pronounced gateauo the x is silent", he says "doesn't matter what way you say it, I just want that gateaux cake". "look" she says you are not having it until you pronounce it right,.
"Ok" he says, "i would like to purchase that gateauo cake please" "that's better" she says," would you like me to wrap it up for you" he said "no thanks , don't bother your bollo"
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 25, 2014 18:08:02 GMT
I don't like guns
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 28, 2014 19:41:42 GMT
world cup refund.
After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Oct 11, 2014 14:09:22 GMT
Why didn't Noah just swat those 2 greenflies?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Oct 12, 2014 15:46:07 GMT
And a sense of humour! ----------------------------------------
An Emergency Call operator in London Ambulance Control has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment. It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, “I am depressed and lying here on a railway track”. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah." Apparently the operator said "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...................................... Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Nov 8, 2014 9:24:33 GMT
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied,"especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!" .
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Nov 8, 2014 11:07:49 GMT
There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Nov 8, 2014 11:20:48 GMT
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?" Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Nov 16, 2014 22:28:42 GMT
In a Catholic school cafeteria,.
a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples,.
"Only take one. God is watching".
Further down the line is a pile of cookies.
A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples".
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Dec 22, 2014 18:23:02 GMT
Locating Jesus
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
...
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
Ned.
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