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Post by carmelkearney on Feb 21, 2014 7:44:37 GMT
Andy and Ned i look foreward to reading your posts, please dont stop
Carmel Kearney
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Post by andybrennan on Feb 21, 2014 11:00:32 GMT
Carmel as me mother in law God rest her soul used to say.
Sure you have to have a laugh.
Andy
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 22, 2014 11:26:16 GMT
More wierd driving laws.
It is against the law in cailfornia to jump from a car traveling at 65mph, or for a woman to drive while wearing a housecoat.
it is also illegal for a vehicle without a driver to exceed to 60 mph.
Hey lads, dont say Ned never told me,,, .
In Montana , it is illegal to have a sheep in the cab of your truck without a Chaperone. (dosent say if human or another sheep).
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Apr 20, 2014 14:21:53 GMT
The train was quite crowded and,
A U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat,
But the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
'Americans are so rude.
My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour!
This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b.i.t.c.h out of the window'.
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 8, 2014 11:39:44 GMT
A few good ones!
Subject: It can be difficult keeping a straight face as a Court Reporter.
These exchanges are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and are things people actually said in Court, word for word, taken down and now published by Court Reporters who had the rather humorous experience listening to these exchanges actually taking place -and staying calm at the same time.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? _________________________________________ (My Favorite) ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Guess. ____________________________________________ (Another favorite) ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 13, 2014 9:31:05 GMT
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!' Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 23, 2014 17:35:32 GMT
Some days are better than others.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jun 2, 2014 17:17:17 GMT
Subject: some old some new.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop they were £70!!! Blow this,
I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a
breakdown.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still
up playing my Bagpipes.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to
get all her clothes back.
The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started
shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew
the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who’s stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the
attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
Ned.
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Post by johnny1951 on Jun 3, 2014 18:47:57 GMT
keep them coming, still rolling round the floor with laughter. Johnny
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jun 3, 2014 22:01:32 GMT
Teacher: “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Louie: “Because George still had the axe in his hand.”
A man talking to God:
The man: “God, how long is a million years?” God: “To me, it’s about a minute.” The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?” God: “To me it’s a penny.” The man: “God, may I have a penny?” God: “Wait a minute.”
The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.
Wife: “Windows frozen.” Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.” Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jun 4, 2014 11:11:21 GMT
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”
The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”
So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.
The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”
The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”
Ned.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jun 4, 2014 11:14:40 GMT
Mom was preparing the two children for bed and was telling bedtime stories. She remarked that God made eyes to see, ears to hear, noses to smell and feet to run. The little girl sat up and said, “But, Momma, I guess God got kinda mixed up with Tom, here, because Tom’s nose runs and his feet smell!”.
Ned.
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Post by afcmoore on Jun 14, 2014 19:32:03 GMT
Hi Ned. Very good will tell this un 2 G- Children. I see your keeping quite lately and me thinks got stir things up abit.. Ant.ha ha.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jun 15, 2014 20:32:21 GMT
A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures;. in her hand was a sign announcing “FREE KITTENS”.
Suddenly a line of big cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm the leader of the Conservative Party, David Cameron.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Mr Cameron.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Conservative supporters," answered Suzy with a sweet smile.
Mr Cameron was delighted, a golden opportunity beckoned.
As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the three of them agreed that they should return the next day;. and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when Cameron’s motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from BBC, ITV, Channels 4, Channels 5, CNN and Sky News, cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Cameron got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you’re giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're UKIP supporters."
Taken by surprise, David Cameron stammered, “But...but...yesterday, you told me they were Conservative SUPPORTERS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
Ned.
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Post by afcmoore on Jun 16, 2014 9:33:27 GMT
Hi Ned I love it ha ha. Ant.
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