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Post by andybrennan on May 18, 2012 22:21:51 GMT
A refuse collector in Cairns Australia is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the Front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having s.. wiffa wife's sista!"
Andy
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Post by jjcurran on May 18, 2012 23:11:34 GMT
Hi Andy and all, I enjoyed your ‘accent’ joke so here is another one with an army theme. During WW1, a young Australian soldier posted to the trenches went to report to his CO. “Private Kelly reporting for duty sir”. The CO replied, “Have you come to die?” The private replied “no I came yesterdie.” Regards JJ
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Post by andybrennan on May 19, 2012 6:12:39 GMT
J.J.
ditto have to say I enjoyed your reply.
Andy
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Post by andybrennan on May 19, 2012 6:16:47 GMT
another in the same vein
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Sum Ting Wong .
Andy
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 20, 2012 22:18:28 GMT
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
edward
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 20, 2012 22:21:25 GMT
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak. edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 20, 2012 22:23:28 GMT
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. edward
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 20, 2012 22:24:25 GMT
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. edward
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 20, 2012 22:25:30 GMT
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part." edward
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 20, 2012 22:29:05 GMT
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.... I think they were just Hovis Witnesses. edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 20, 2012 22:32:52 GMT
HOLY EMAIL One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good..'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either. edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 20, 2012 23:25:56 GMT
HOW TRUE IS THIS? ? NOAH TODAY. In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah and his sidekick Ant, (Who was now living in wexford) and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing Along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying get ant back from Wimbeldon: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will Start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -but no Ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?". "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit and Ant has been too long away from Wexford to have any clout." being a Curragh forum member didn't cut any ice. "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system." "My neighbors claim that I've violated the Neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision." "Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power Lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them That the sea would be coming to us, but they would Hear none of it." "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!" ant done his best , but he wasn't able to tell them how many spots they had. "When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and It was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space." "Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study On your proposed flood." "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm Supposed to hire for my building crew." "The Immigration Dept. Is checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work." "The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They Insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience." i told them that Ant was a tea boy on the first Ark. "To make matters worse, the tax man seized all I disagreeets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally With endangered species." "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 Years for me to finish this Ark." "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine. And a rainbow stretched across the sky." Noah looked up in wonder and asked. "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it." edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 28, 2012 19:08:22 GMT
LIFE EXPLAINED.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God saw it was good
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God , again saw it was good On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch. edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 28, 2012 19:25:14 GMT
PRICELESS!!!
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and a sked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's." edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 5, 2012 17:03:31 GMT
Stuff you didn't know you didn't know!. ---------------------------------------------------- don't know if everything is true, but everything is interesting. --------- --------- --------- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. --------- --------- --------- Coca-Cola was originally green. --------- --------- --------- It is impossible to lick your elbow. --------- --------- --------- The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:. Alaska. --------- --------- --------- The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38% --------- --- ------ --------- --------- --------- --------- The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.. ------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer. -- ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile. National Monuments. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David . Hearts - Charlemagne . Clubs -Alexander, the Great. Diamonds - Julius Caesar . --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321 . --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes ------ --- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,
John Hanthingy and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until
5 years later. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?.
A. Their birthplace . --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
What is the most popular boat name requested?.
A. Obsession . --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'? .
A. One thousand. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?.
A. All were invented by women. --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil? .
A. Honey . --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?.
A. Father's Day . --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,. making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight' . --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this
period was called the honey month,.
which we know today as the honeymoon. --------- --------- --------- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them. 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' . . .
It's where we get the phrase. 'mind your P's and Q's'. --------- --------- --------- Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice. --------- --------- ------ --- --------- --------- --------- At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow! . --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2012
when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use yourcell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it .
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ).
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
NOW you're LAUGHING at yourself!
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to
be amused!" (Unknown Author) --------- --------- --------- Go on, forward this to your friends You know you want to!. Go lick your elbow. Edward. Now thats what you call long winded.
You did say thee forum was quiet , didn't you ant.
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