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Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 29, 2012 16:16:52 GMT
Giraffe test.
howdo you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?.
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down. The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?.
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?. Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend. Except one. Which animal does not attend?. Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?. Correct Answer:?. You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong. but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good. edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jan 30, 2012 22:36:18 GMT
The priest and a rhabbi attended a semminar at a multi denominational church. They were having a cup of tea an talking about this and that, when the priest said to the rhabbi is it true jewish people dont eat pork.
That's correct said the rharbbi. Tell me said the priest have you ever tried it. The rhabbi takes a sly look around to see if there is anyone within ear shot. To tell you the truth i have.
Tell me said the rhabbi, is it true that catholic priest's dont get married. Thats true said the priest. Tell me said the rahbbi did you ever have sex with a woman. The priest takes a cagy look around to see if anyone is ear wigging. To tell you the truth i have, before i joined the priesthood.
Said the rahbi it's a lot better than bacon isn't it. edward.
(I better not go to church now).
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 3, 2012 18:49:38 GMT
don't forget afc ,this is towards my promotion.
Tramp knocks on the big house door, the maid answers.
Tramp: is the woman of the house in. Maid: no , she's out.
Tramp :is the man of the house in. maid: no he is out.
Tramp: can i come in and sit by the fire' Maid :no that's out too.
edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 3, 2012 19:25:57 GMT
Murphy an Kc were due to get out of the get well clinic, an the big cheese called them in for a final interview before their release, Murphy goes in first.
Boss: just a few questions before you go, don't worry everyone goes through this, OK. if i was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen. Murphy: I'd be half blind .
Boss: very good, if i was to poke out the other eye , what would happen . Murphy: I'd be whole blind.
Boss: very good , here is your pass ,hand it to the gate keeper an you can be on your way, on your way out send in the other fellow.
Murphy tells Kc to go in, Kc says what did he ask you please tell me , please what did he say, go on tell me, Murphy says the answer to the first question say half blind, an when he asks the second question say whole blind, i will wait outside the gate for you. in Kc goes.
Boss: nice to see you Mr Kc , just a few questions , if i was to cut one of your ears off what would happen. KC: I'd be half blind Sir.
Boss: i see, thinks to himself he has been talking to Murphy. tell me if i was to cut the other ear off what would happen. Kc: I'd be whole blind.
Boss:how did you come to that conclusion. Kc: sure Sir sure wouldn't me cap fall down over my eyes.
edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 28, 2012 20:27:57 GMT
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God saw it was good
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God , again saw it was good On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- edward
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 28, 2012 20:41:46 GMT
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy tart busy. edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 28, 2012 22:34:12 GMT
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'. Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.' Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman, He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone. And danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano, He was an amazing guy.
Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. not like me, I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then. Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him? Cabbie: 'Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his flipping wife."
edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 28, 2012 23:22:31 GMT
Life is all about asses.
You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or behaving like one. edward.
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Post by jjcurran on Feb 28, 2012 23:22:57 GMT
Lady air traffic controller to pilot “Hello PanAm 213, you are clear to taxi to delta runway and await further instructions, over”. Pilot to controller “Roger tower, over” The pilot taxies to the Alfa runway which causes the lady controller to go ballistic.
“What the hell is wrong with you, are you thick or what? I told you to go to the delta runway. You can stay where you are and don’t dare move until I tell you, and try to open your ears and get it right the next time”.
All pilots waiting for take-off could hear the radio traffic from the control tower. After a short period of silence, a pilot’s voice from one of the other planes came over the radio.
“Hello tower, excuse me but was I married to you one time”? (apologies to all lady forum readers) Regards JJ
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 28, 2012 23:33:15 GMT
Did I read that sign right?.
In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK). edward
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 29, 2012 0:05:28 GMT
Two cows in a field , one says to the other. "what do you think of this mad cow disease?" The other cow says, doesn't effect me mate," "Oh,yeah? Why's that?" "I'm a HELICOPTER." edward
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Post by livenowpraylater on Feb 29, 2012 0:16:31 GMT
a far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the d**n table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.... 'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FLAMING PORRIDGE YET.
EDWARD.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Apr 13, 2012 13:18:54 GMT
This is true , i heard it with my own ears and sen it with my own eyes.
One Saturday morning i was watching telly, was i think? a program called a question of sport with IAN St-CLAIRE and JIMMY GRIEVES the discussion was with that great legend non other than GEORGE BEST (RIP) . The false grass called ASTRO TURF had just been getting played on , Jimmy Grieves asked George "what was the difference between grass and astro turf George". "Dont know" says George," i never smoked ASTRO TURF" . edward hope this brings a smile.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Apr 24, 2012 13:53:11 GMT
here's one i heard many moon's ago,. -------------------------------------------------. Mrs Smith went to the doctors . The doctor asked her what he could do for her,. It's not me that has a problem doctor, it's my daughter,. and what's her trouble he asks , mother says, she thinks she is a chicken,. doctor says ,, well tell her she isn't,. mother says i cant,. doctor says, why not,. because says the mother, i need the eggs,. edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on May 13, 2012 11:20:17 GMT
Hello Dan Whelan.
A little bird tells me , that on the quiet you have been on a whiskey diet this past week, dont know if there is any thruth in it, but he says you'v lost three days already. edward.
ps i though the rset of the forum should know.
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