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Post by afcmoore on Jul 5, 2012 23:40:51 GMT
Hi Edward. When i was young i used to love when my Uncles told me a story . One Uncle used to make me cry with his story and this is it. Once upon a time there was a mouse from Gorey ,thats the end of the story. How disapointing is that when your a kid. Cheers. ;D Ant.
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Post by jjcurran on Jul 6, 2012 13:47:39 GMT
Hi Edward. I read with interest your post re the origin of sayings etc. With regard to the theory about the saying “mind your p’s and q’s, there is another theory as follows: Long long ago when Cuchulainn was galloping about the plains of the Curragh, books had to be hand written. As the school on O’Higgins road had not opened as yet the number of people who could write were few and far between. This meant that books were not only scarce but highly expensive and could only be afforded by the higher echelons of society ( Rank of Colonels upwards). Then the printing press was invented and books could be turned out faster than a rat up a drainpipe. As books were now within the price range of three-stars the demand for type setters increased, so anybody who could write was in for a handy well paying job. Now type for printing presses had to be laid out in a reversed order (mirrored). This made it difficult to distinguish between the lower case p’s and q’s. If a type setter made a mistake, he was penalised by a deduction from his wages (and maybe a few days CB) for every mistake. Hence the saying, ‘mind your p’s and q’s. Regards JJ
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 6, 2012 15:27:04 GMT
TRUTH WILL OUT.
There was a young boy who's name was tony. who wore short pants and lived in Gorey. his uncles were made up of two , who knew a thing or two . how to tell a little boy a good storey.
Now the storey began , as all fairy stories can. "Once upon a time there was a mouse from Gorey" and that is the end of the storey, for the uncle's they knew the ending was true, and remembered it ended in goery. (pun).
As time has gone by , that man that grew from that boy. he did fly in the sky. to places that were gory. he forgot about the uncles stories'. and the mouse from Gory.
One day from the forum a bloke called Ned my post he red. when i told him the whole story. aout my uncles who started to tell me as a boy. about the mouse from gory.
i remember well, back in those years,when i shed all the tears. now at last, i am about to hear the whole story. what happened to the mouse, that lived on the streets of gory.
was a fine day farmer jones was drawing the hay. when around the bend the tractor came speedin. the mouse chanced hi luck and that's when he got struck. under the tractor wheel he lay on the road bleedin.
when the tractor moved off , the local cat let a little cough. and said "that's my dinner for this evenin". them tractors of hay the cat said i must say. their speed can be very deciven.
the cat said when i found, that mouse on the ground i thought my eyes were decevin. and from this day. i'll be watching them tractors of hay, tenderized mouse i'll be havin for my tea every evenin.
Ant. that's the uncle's story they couldn't bring themselves to tell you. of what happened to the mouse from Gory.
now all together for Ant, Ahhhhhhhhhh.
Edward.
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Post by afcmoore on Jul 6, 2012 22:17:07 GMT
Hi Edward. Well what can i say the cats got my tongue and i'm still trying to lick my elbow. I enjoyed your tale about the mouse in Gorey. ;D I have waited sixty years to find what happened . It ended with lots of blood and gory . I reckon you should send that to the Ireland's Own great stuff. Is there no end to your quill talent ah your poetry in motion. I put some weighs on the tongue to sterch it and grease on the elbow aaaah nearly there. Cheers ;D Ant.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 6, 2012 22:57:59 GMT
hi Anthony. glad you liked it, hope it brought a smile to your chops. to find out what happened to that mouse took a lot of research. sorry the story didn't have a happy ending ,,,, except for the cat, an all that,. just waiting for that tractor of hay,. to come along one fine day,. as it did for the mouse. it would do the same for the cat,.
where is that dog,,.
here boy ,,, come here jack,,
stop chasing that cat,
Edward
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 19, 2012 12:52:48 GMT
Billy Hyland . this is the best i could at short notice.
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey ... He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work because the ground was so hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up the garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4 AM the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie
edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 19, 2012 13:21:39 GMT
Hi again Billy. is your belly sore yet.
....................The Philosophy of Ambiguity............................
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
Please enjoy and understand the following.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD
edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 22, 2012 10:48:01 GMT
Golf -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have nookie with your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop nookie, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO s*1t He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?" edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 22, 2012 10:58:20 GMT
new official language -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 22, 2012 11:26:53 GMT
Little Johnny -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mum screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mum leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mum has left for the shops. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mum comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poo is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !" edward
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 22, 2012 11:32:50 GMT
How lucky can you be. -----------------------------
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's license. edward
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 22, 2012 11:39:51 GMT
Wiser than her years.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 22, 2012 11:42:38 GMT
Do you need keep fit classes.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 22, 2012 11:54:21 GMT
CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT ================== A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.'
'Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...
'You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa ?' edward.
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Post by livenowpraylater on Jul 22, 2012 12:09:08 GMT
No such thing as a perfct car. __________________ A man from Texas , driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT??? . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i'm lucky to have a gearbox in mine edward.
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